


Not Even a Little

by raven_aorla



Series: anchor and kaleidoscope [1]
Category: Saturday Night Live, Weekend Update (SNL)
Genre: Canon-Typical Absurd Debauchery, Clubbing, Crush, Gen, Humor, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Recreational Drug Use, References to John Mulaney's Stand-up, Shy is the Patient Bi Friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 08:23:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15215030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raven_aorla/pseuds/raven_aorla
Summary: Stefon goes out on the town with his constant buddy/occasional attorney Shy, but he can't stop talking about his crush on Seth Meyers.





	Not Even a Little

**Author's Note:**

> John Mulaney appeared as Shy by Stefon's side for like, five seconds, but I was struck by how he was dressed in latex and mesh yet still talked exactly like John does when delivering stand-up.

“Let’s go to _Ring-a-Ding_ ,” Stefon said, tossing back his head a little to get his sideswept bangs out of his eyes. He still had some edible glitter crusted at the corners from Tuesday night. At least he hoped it was edible, otherwise _oops._

Shy frowned. His words were a little gaspier than usual, given that Stefon was helping him get into a studded black rubber corset, but they still had that assertive, booming, weirdly 1950’s- radio-announcer quality that made legal clients trust him, but threw anyone trying to dominate him for a loop. “The club at the bottom of a haunted 18th century well?” 

“Nononononono. That’s _Ding-a-Ling_. Is there somewhere you wanna go?” 

“I want to go to _SPROING!?!?!_ to support my girlfriend, cause she’s helping with the human fly fishing. That’s when a gentleman with achondroplasia rolls around in glue and pheasant feathers and does aerial modern dance while people throw herrings for him to catch.”

“I know what human fly fishing is.” It did sound fun.

“Tonight they’re doing a Gimp My Ride contest, and they’ll have electric eels swimming in Perrier…ah, yeah, thanks, that’s good. Let me do your eyeliner, babe. You keep getting overambitious at the start and later run out of space, like people do when they make Happy Birthday posters.”

“Hey, do you think Seth Meyers has ever been to the bottom of an 18th century well?”

“I sincerely doubt it! You’re still obsessed with him, aren’t you?”

Stefon couldn’t shake his head without Shy poking him in eyeball with the eyeliner pencil. “I’m not going to talk about sweet, funny, gorgeous Seth Meyers. Not even a little.”

***

They got delayed at the door because the bouncer had mistaken Shy for a tall child in fetish wear. He’d accidentally tossed his drivers’ license along with his money clip into a Dumpster two days ago to throw a mugger off his rhythm. Good thing Shy’s girlfriend, looking like an Asian Margot Robbie dressed in Cookie Monster pelts, emerged to vouch for him.

She straightened Shy’s stingray-skin necktie once they crossed the threshold and kissed his nose. “Remember, Shiloh boyo, no fuckin’ anyone else. You can _get_ fucked by someone if you take pictures and come home before I leave for my shift at Yoshinoya Beef Bowl. Stefon, we should get together for strip Cards Against Humanity again sometime. Rings won’t count anymore.” She ran off, her nine-inch heels making pinball flipper noises every step she took.

“I miss being in a relationship,” Stefon whined as he stuck a quarter in the modified gumball machine near the door. You might get Ecstasy, Klonopin, or a Smartie, and in the dim yet colorful swirling light it was hard to tell which until you swallowed it. That was part of the fun. “I’ve got another quarter, if you want.”

“Nah, she won’t let me have candy. A little bit of soda is okay as a mixer.”

Stefon gasped at such cruelty. “Your girlfriend’s kind of a bitch, sorry not sorry.”

Shy laughed. “Excuse you, she’s a colossal bitch and I love her! It was originally my idea for her to punish me if I had any. My doc said my blood sugar was more like molasses. And you gotta be proactive about meeting people, Stefon. I haven’t seen you take up anyone on a drink or dance offer since your last breakup.”

“Seth Meyers asked me if I wanted coffee after taping, but I chickened out. Like I bet - I know, I know he just meant as friends - no, not even friends, just occasional coworkers, and it would have just...uh...I dunno, uh…he’s so normal, why would he...” He made a safety tent with his hands over his face for a few seconds.

“You. Dance. Now.” Shy shoved him towards the posse of old-timey chimney sweeps in roller skates. Stefon recognized two of them. He swallowed his pill. Smartie. Damn. 

***

Stefon had snorted something that glowed in the dark, possibly while wiggling, and needed a moment away from the dance floor. He found Shy alone in the men’s room with an absinthe-and-Sprite in a plastic cup in one hand, leaning against the wall and probably contemplating future art projects. His heart was racing. “Is there bi-dar?” 

“Is there what now?”

“There’s gaydar, and my gaydar is pretty good, not gonna lie, but it doesn’t go that specific, but maybe...like, you’ve watched the episodes I’ve been on, right, and do you think he could, like maybe if somehow I came up with a reason to get you on the show…”

Shy held out his drink. “Have a sip. Breathe. And you gotta figure that out for yourself. Us bi folks don’t have a secret handshake or something. If we do, nobody’s told me, and that hurts my feelings! Isn’t the human fly fishing starting in ten minutes?”

***

“I’m taking your phone away, Stefon.”

“Shyyyyyyyyyyy.”

“You’ll hate me forever if I let you text Seth Meyers when you’re fucked up.”

Stefon hoped this was chocolate syrup smeared all over his shirt. They were in an alleyway somewhere. Somehow. Everything was starting to blur. “That means you’ll _never_ let me text him.”

“Ugh, I feel like a horse babysitting a dog.” Shy stuck Stefon’s phone down the front of his corset - his pants were way too tight to get even a five dollar bill in there, as he’d learned earlier when someone mistook him for a stripper. Then he lit up the joint he’d bartered from a elderly Cameroonian lady with vitiligo dressed as Scottish tennis star Andy Murray, in exchange for advice on how to file a civil lawsuit against pogo stick manufacturers. 

“It’s never gonna work. I’m so weird and he’s so not weird.” Stefon stroked Shy’s face in despair. Also because it felt nice. 

Shy raised an eyebrow. (Wait, had it always been pink?) “There’s got to be something that won’t freak out or bore either of you. Before you have time to get to know each other, I mean, and you get more comfortable getting out of your comfort zones. Let’s get you a black coffee at McDonalds and brainstorm!” 

***

_Seth Meyers, hihihi, my friend Shy says regular people like going to movies and I know a theater called Celluloid Sin that shows chthonic art films and the popcorn is flavored with the tears of fangirls. but they also do Marvel movies :3_


End file.
